The past few weeks have been a real struggle for me, first I fell headfirst off the wagon, it disoriented me and allowed me to stray further (I still blame the chocolate cake in a mug), then there have seemed to be occasions after occasion to eat (birthdays, dinners & lunches with friends, etc). However, the truth is there is always a reason to eat and food is always around calling me. I wish I had the type of household where I could just make certain items disappear and have only fruits, veggies, lean meats and whole grains within the house, but it is unrealistic to think my husband should conform to my insanity.
I think over the past few weeks, even thought I’ve decided not to beat myself up over my failure to eat and exercise, I’ve been putting a lot of negative pressure on myself. As the sun starts heating up outside, spring is around the corner and I feel almost like a failure. I know this is not the case, I haven’t achieved my goals, but I also haven’t gained weight and I feel better than I have in months. My sciatic pain only rears its head for about 5 mins a week (fabulous) and the difference I feel in my core abs is night and day. I’m also more conscious of what I eat, I do drink more water and carefully think out my meals.
Maybe it has been harder for me recently to get into the idea of losing weight when I know my end goal in the coming months is to get pregnant. Maybe that is my road block. Also, when did I set out to lose weight other than get healthy? Perhaps this was my mistake. All I really want is to be healthy, energetic, and pain-free. I’m not looking to sport a hot body and pick up any more. Feeling good about myself doesn’t have to come in a clothing size, it should come from being healthy and desirable to my husband (and he loves me in any shape). I still want it, I can still taste it. and I will continue to make my small tweaks to get healthier. However, I want to judge those achievements by how I feel physically, my energy, my positivity and lastly, how I feel within my clothes. No judgement by a number on the scale or on a label within my jeans.
Motherhood is the most rewarding job of my life. I get to see my children grow on a daily basis, I can help them and teach them to do certain things and take pleasure always as their vocabulary builds, communication strengthens and suddenly attempt something they were always afraid to do before. It is also the most challenging job I’ve ever had, there are no scheduled breaks, no sick days, there is no official start or end time, you are always on call around the clock 24/7. As I try to get my other stuff done, whether it be house cleaning, or my online business there is always someone floating about leaving a path of destruction behind them. Just when you feel you’ve made yourself a schedule something changes and you are back in limbo. A few weeks ago I decided to do my yoga between 6&7am, now the little guy is waking up at 6am (groan), and there is no way I can hustle up the energy to get up at 5.
I’ve become very envious of other mothers recently, mothers with children who have fabulous support systems within their families who find the time to workout. There has to be an emergency or an airtight appointment for me to have someone watch my children during the week. My husband seems to come home after 8pm more often than not recently, cut backs at work mean longer hours for him, so after he gets home I want to spend time with him, not run out the door or to the basement to exercise. I remember during my first pregnancy reading all these books about how family and friends were going to flood in with all sorts of support and help – it never really happened for me. I always felt very alone, I was responsible for every changing, every feeding, every burping, all the laundry, etc. I even wonder how, when I get pregnant the next time, I will go to my doctors appointments. Who will watch the children once a month, and in the end ever week? Who will step up and be able to watch them when I’m in the hospital? Am I crazy to think of a third? My answer – we’ll figure it out.
This morning I took a new step – I took a walk with the stroller to pick up my daughter. I feel refreshed from the spring air and feel good that I did something for me (even it was with the kids). I’m done feeling jealous towards people who find the time alone, I’ll just try to work the kids in – stretches with my daughter, walks with the stroller and feeling a tad silly running around with the kids in the park. When I can I’ll pull out my bike and go for a ride (something I haven’t done in years), hopefully I wont fall off or tip over from inexperience.
Truth is everyone has their own body issues, even someone who from the outside looks gorgeous and thin may wish for something else. She might feel self-conscious over her lack of curves and dwell on it as much as I do over my ‘muffin top.’ Or maybe that perfect person has lost a ton of weight and works really hard each day at keeping it off. We shouldn’t judge or be jealous of someone else for their body types – because we never know what they envy or wish for. We women can be so catty towards other’s appearances – whether it be that a woman is too thin, too overweight, too made up, overdressed, under dressed, too much cleavage, too ‘mom’, too masculine, etc. Maybe if instead we looked at all the good stuff around us and found something positive about others we could learn to do the same for ourselves.
This weeks tweaks – taking a multivitamin. Any bets on how often I remember to take it?? I’ll also try to drink more water again.. I honestly feel better when I do.
– No more negative Nelly over here – No more jealousy over other’s free time – No more sadness over body image – Looking for the positives 😀
What I like about myself today: my toes, I think I’ll give myself a pedicure today.
What about you? What do you like about yourself today?